The Gloomer does not waste a lot of his time shopping.

Say I need something. I go to the store and buy it. When it got cold I went to my favorite store, Target, and bought a space heater. That was it. I didn’t go to Target just to look around for shit. I bought the space heater and left.

The space heater works fine.

Men as a rule don’t engage in shopping as if it were a preoccupation or an obsession. Women do that. Men obsess over Fighting. Killing. Games of destruction and humiliation. Building. Building Temples. Forts. Gadgets. Building Ideas. Theories. The Birth Of The Universe. Gods. The one and only God. Science. Science being the perfect God because you don’t need God any more. Finally you top off your smart ass Ideas with Morals and Ethics…enabling smart people to control weaker people.

Nothing of any real value.

Agriculture, a thing of real value, was invented (I suspect) by Women.

Women are concerned with the security of the family. Men are concerned with getting laid and satisfying carnal urges…

Okay, so I’m generalizing. There’s plenty of gender crossover.

Madam Curie discovered Radiation. Hatshepsut and Cleopatra ruled Egypt (quite aptly). Mary Baker Eddy invented a religion. Aileen Wuornos, the Damsel Of Death, was a serial killer. There’s plenty other exceptions to the rule. Men excell as Fashion Designers. Chefs. Theater Critics. Home Decorators. Even Executive Shoppers. If I was a barking dog and somebody showed me how to sing like Dean Martin I’d probably go along with that. Fitting into your established niche is boring.

A Minimalist

In my career as a Closer I worked for several salesmen who were in my estimation the very best in the business. I’m especially fond of Hank Boseman, who’s owned several window and door companies. He taught me tricks of the trade that made me a lot of money. I’d make a big score and lay off for a while. Hank never complained. We’d get together for drinks. His buddies, various hustlers, all of them high rollers, wanted to know why I didn’t work more. Why did I live on a boat when I could own a nice pad on the beach. Why did I drive a cheap Honda when I could roll in a slick convertible with A list Vegas Hookers.

“You guys don’t get it,” Hank explained. “My man here is a Minimalist.”

They nodded like Minimalism was some kind of religion. I was impressed with how Hank categorized me, as if being Lazy was a calling. Later, I did a little research and discovered it is a calling.

All this time I’ve had a calling!

What does minimalism mean?

Minimalism most generally refers to a style or approach that uses a small number of elements. More specifically, it can refer to a type of painting or sculpture (sometimes called minimal art), music, or other art form that typically uses the simplest and fewest elements with the goal of creating the maximum effect.

Dictionary.com

A Minimalist Lifestyle means you don’t clutter up your life with a lot of things. LIke for instance a garage packed with shit. Two or three homes packed with shit. A half dozen cars. Jet Skis in the driveway. A pack of dogs. A cat. Five or six kids.

Bottom line…a lot of Shit.

It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor.

Poor people can own a lot of shit, too.

Living on a Sailboat is a great way to downsize. Because there’s simply no room for a lot of worthless shit.

Of course you can always rent a storage container and use it to house your worthless shit.

These outfits have sprung up all over hell. I used to work at one of them. People stored their shit and forgot about it. Later they died or vanished forever and the management ended up auctioning off the unit.

This routine spawned a great TV show.

This is the Meaning Of Life in the good old U.S.A.:

Buy a lot of shit and store it.

Then Die…

Cyber Monday

So I found out what today is all about. I’m over at my girlfriend’s house. Joan’s sitting on the sofa, watching TV and shopping on her Apple Tablet. Her phone dings an alert. A package has arrived. Good old Amazon. I love Amazon. (My novel is for sale on Amazon!) Anyway, the Amazon man has delivered a package.

A Christmas Tree.

Joan bought this Christmas tree on Amazon. She bought it on BLACK FRIDAY.

It arrived today.

Today is Cyber Monday.

I’m totally fucking confused. Okay, I kind of get Black Friday. It’s a song by Steely Dan. But it’s also a day when people go shopping crazy.

Crazy like they gotta buy life preservers for the great flood.

But why do they call it Black Friday?

The term “Black Friday” was first coined in 1869 when two investors, Jay Gould, and Jim Fisk, caused a market crash by driving up the price of gold. As a result, the stock market dropped 20%, foreign trade stopped, and farmers witnessed a huge drop in corn and wheat value. 

[Robber Barons causing trouble. Kind of like Elon Musk buying Twitter…]

In Philadelphia during the late 1950s and early 1960s, locals resurrected the term to refer to the day between Thanksgiving and the Army-Navy football game. The event would summon massive crowds of tourists and shoppers, putting a lot of strain on local law enforcement to keep everything in line.

Wikipedia

Cops had to work overtime. So they named it Black Friday.

I don’t blame them.

Cyber Monday is the first working day after Black Friday. Some wiseguy marketing genius cooked up the term so people would have a good excuse to buy a lot of shit ONLINE!

People like Joan.

She bought her Christmas Tree Online.

Lucky I was around to open the box and assemble the Christmas Tree. That’s what men do, generally. They assemble shit.

Of course there was no instructions in the box. But I did find these gloves. Why did the manufacturer include these gloves in the box but neglect to include instructions?

Beats the hell out of me.

The Moral

This blog post does not have a moral.

But maybe it does. I started out writing this post intending to voice my indignation.

Call it a Minimalist’s outcry against rampant consumerism.

Now I’m thinking…well…I’m thinking, what’s so bad about spending your idle hours buying worthless shit?

It certainly beats killing people and spreading mayhem.

This Christmas Tree, for instance. I’m not into Christmas Trees and I’m not into Christmas. I figure it’s just an excuse for good old Americans to buy a lot of worthless shit.

But I need to confess something here.

I enjoyed assembling the tree. I did it without the instructions! I enjoyed watching Joan decorate the tree. The tree arrived promptly, thanks to Amazon.

Joan spends a lot of her time shopping online. She enjoys it. She’s not hurting anybody. It’s her hobby. Nobody suffers. The Chinese survive thanks to her hobby. So what’s the big deal?

There’s plenty of other things to rail against.

I’m leaving Cyber Monday alone.

Shit.

I enjoyed assembling that tree…I did it without the instructions.