That’s right. I’m Retro.

Saying you’re Retro is way better than saying you’re Old. I used to be old. Like yesterday. Yesterday I was old. Today, I’m Retro. It came to me in a dream. A Jesus statue appeared in my dream.

The Statue’s dream voice called to me,

“Retro Man, Retro Man…oh, Retro Man!“

I awoke thinking what was that all about?”

I hauled myself from my rack, gazed around at my floating hovel, which I occupy like some cranky old goldminer living in his wooden shack.

I have yet to strike gold.

I probably won’t. Cuz I live on Scruffy.

Scruffy aint no miner’s shack.

Peeper aint no Gold Miner.

I’m just this old dude living on a old boat.

But wait a minute.

Hold on just a minute there!

Didn’t I just acquire an old van? That’s right. I’m a old dude living on a old boat. But now, thanks to Tim, I have this old van. Tim gifted me his van. It was like a miracle. Tim gifted me his beloved van. I still can’t believe it.

But this van is not just an old van. This van is a classic 80s camper van. This van is not old.

This van is Retro

And that makes me…A RETRO MAN!

Kind of like a Knight Of The Round Table Acquiring his Steed!

That’s what the dream was all about.

The Jesus statue needed to set my ass straight. Remind me how I’ve been chosen! Tim gifted me his Van. I need to quit griping about my life. Whining and shit. I need to show some gratitude. Live up to the honor Tim bestowed upon me.

I’m a Retro Man

Now all I need is a Jesus Statue for the Retro Van’s dashboard.

I’m gonna get myself a virgin mary statue and set it beside my glowing jesus statue and place em both on the dashboard of my retro van.

I’m a Retro Man!

I’m not talking a Repo Man

A Repo Man makes a living from Repossessing Cars, Trucks, Furniture, etcetera, from Deadbeats failing to make timely installment payments on said items.

Nor am I talking about Repo Man, the film

Repo Man, the film, came out, I think, in 1984. Repo Man, in my opinion, is a monumental film. Sergei Eisenstein or D.W. Griffin or Orson Welles or Stanley Kubrick or Martin Scorsese never made a film as monumental as Repo Man.

I have watched Repo Man thousands of times.

If you have seen Repo Man you know what I’m talking about.

Monumental…

Here’s the scene where Otto, the novice, is introduced by Bud, the old pro, to the world of Repo Men:

Otto becomes a Repo Man.

Here’s a short clip where Bud explains the REPO MAN CODE to Otto:

Bud lives by a Code.

The Repo Man Code.

Man’s gotta have a code to live by. Otherwise he’s just an ordinary man.

I could attempt to explain the plot of Repo Man to you…but doing so would probably make my brain explode. You want, you can watch this clip, and get the general idea of what Repo Man is about.

I’m talking a Retro Man

Retro Man. That’s right. Look at me. I’m wearing an old Polo shirt. Dollar store reading glasses. Cargo pants, for christ’s sake. I’m sitting here in Starbucks. Typing. You wanna know something?

Ordinary people buy all the latest shit. If it aint brand new, they aint interested.

Joan, my Trumpy girlfriend, prefers new shit. She’s gonna get a kick out of my Retro Van.

A Retro Man takes pride in fixing up old stuff. Like Scruffy, which I aint fixed up yet, but I’m planning on it. Or my Retro Van, which I plan to fix up, too. I’m waiting for the right moment. Any day now I’ll start fixing up my stuff.

Meanwhile, I’ll meditate on my new status as a RETRO MAN….

My Jesus statue’s going right next to the deflated furry toy.

O.J. Postscript

Thursday 11 April. O.J. Simpson died today.

Who remembers where they were almost thirty years ago when that white bronco rolled down the L.A. freeway. I remember I was standing on the corner of chestnut and fillmore streets in the marina district staring through the front door of the Horseshoe tavern, a local watering hole been around since 1934, staring through the door into the dark room at a t.v. set mounted on the wall near the ceiling. Staring at the screen at a white bronco driving down the freeway. The bar was packed with people watching the T.V.. I asked somebody what’s going on. “That’s O.J. Simpson. The cops are chasing him.”

“Chasing him? What for?”

“He murdered his wife.”

“Whaaa?”

That was 1996. My Retro Van was still relatively brand new.

I remember another date. 1983. I was at the L.A. airport, awaiting a flight to Europe. Amsterdam. I had no idea what I’d do once I got there. Only that I had five grand in my pocket and a ticket to Amsterdam and the rest of my life in front of me. I was almost thirty years old. But not quite. While I waited for my flight I wandered around the airport. I stumbled onto a film crew. And O.J. Simpson, standing beside the camera man, a big grin on his face. Another man, Arnold Palmer, was standing off a bit, sipping a coffee. Arnold and O.J., two of the most celebrated sports figures in the History of the good old U.S.A..

They were filming that famous Hertz Rent a Car commercial. One of several Hertz commercials. Most of them were just O.J. leaping over barriers. This one had Arnold, too.

1984. My Retro Van hadn’t been built yet.

We’ve aged quite a bit since then.

A Retro Man’s memories!

Time to purchase my plastic Jesus.