It’s been tough trying to justify my girlfriend Joan’s Trumpiness. She honestly feels Donald Trump is a wonderful human being. She would like me to see him as a good person, too. I can’t. All I can do is put her allegiance to the Orange Dude, specifically her insistence on his “decency”, into some kind of perspective.

My impression of the man: he’s Bad. Not bad like bad is good. Not the Hip definition of BAD. I’m talking the straight-up definition of bad. He’s just plain Bad. He’s a bad man.

Still…

Let’s put his badness into perspective, okay? Donald Trump is not the worst human being that ever lived. There’s lots worse people in the history of the world. Timur, the 14th century world conqueror dude, comes to mind:

Timur (or Tamerlain)

Timur, leading his Turkic/Mongol hordes, swept across the Asian steppes, conquering nations like a twisted and sadistic Alexander The Great. This was back in the good old days when you could still kick ass from the seat of a horse.

Pyramid of Skulls

Old Tamir didn’t fart around. What I’m saying, he left no prisoners. He’d conquer a city and kill everybody he suspected might vote against him in a general election. He liked to decapitate people and build pyramids from their skulls.

He reached Baghdad in 1401 and encountered resistance. Timur was in no mood to show mercy. Once the city had been captured, an estimated 20,000 citizens were murdered. As was the case in previous campaigns, Timur demanded that each man reached a quota. In this instance, they had to bring back at least two severed heads. What happened next clearly illustrated the fear Timur put into his men. When they ran out of people to slay, they resorted to killing prisoners they had previously captured. Then, they began beheading their own wives in a desperate attempt to placate their leader. Some sources claim there were 90,000 people executed and their skulls created 120 towers in the city. Historycollection.com

Timur, Trump; Trump, Timur. Who was worse? I need to admit here that Timur was most definitely a worse human being than THE DONALD. Of course, Donald never had the advantages Timur had. Trump lacked any hands on training. He was only a cadet in his military school. If he’d had a fast pony and the asian steppes and a curved sword, he might’ve made something of himself, like Timur did.

All we can do is speculate.

(By the way. Timur reached Baghdad around the time of his 70th birthday. This was way way old back then. With no Medicare to speak of you’d reach fifty looking like shit and if you made it to the ripe old age of sixty you were lucky, man! Seventy was more like a hundred in today’s years. Old Timur was doing really well to make it to 70. This should be a lesson to all these age detractors who keep harping over Biden and Trump being too old to hold office. I’m not saying they should use Timur as an example of good leadership. I’m just saying….)

Napoleon Bonaparte

Trump wants to be a Dictator

Trump says if he’s elected President again he’ll be a Dictator on day one. This is bad, okay? But far worse is what old Napoleon did. He made himself Emperor. In fact, he crowned himself Emperor.

Beat that, Donald!

Buying Greenland

Trump, when he was President last time around, proposed that it might be a good idea to buy Iceland. Or was it Greenland? I don’t know which. I figure it must’ve been Greenland because it’s much bigger than Iceland and Trump likes to go big. You might think the whole idea of buying Greenland was a real dumb idea. Citizens of Greenland certainly did.

But you know what? That’s nothing when you figure Napoleon sold almost a third of the continental U.S. (828,000 square miles to be exact) to President Jefferson for like a hundred and fifty bucks. He needed the money to fight some shithole country, as Trump would put it, over there in Europe. Old Jefferson jumped at the offer. It’s called the Louisiana Purchase. How’s that for boneheaded stupidity on Napoleon’s part? Way worse than anything Trump proposed.

BTK (bind, torture, kill)

Moving on to living dudes who are arguably worse human beings than former President Trump. I’d say Dennis Rader (self described as BTK) is certainly one of those.

Mugshot of Dennis Rader (aka. B.T.K.)

Mugshot of Donald Trump (former Prez.)

A Serial Killer

Dennis Rader is a Serial Killer. I mean he was. He’s not practicing his hobby anymore. He’s serving 10 consecutive life sentences at El Dorado Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison somewhere in Kansas. I don’t know exactly where in Kansas. Nowhere near the yellow brick road, that’s for sure. Anway, he’ll be incarcerated for at least a thousand years. Hopefully he’ll croak soon and save the taxpayers the burden of covering the forty five grand a year it costs to keep him alive. I don’t believe in Capitol Punishment but for this dude I would make an exception. While posing as a law abiding middle class citizen, president of the local chapter of his church, raising two kids, married to the same woman for thirty years, taking his kids fishing, mowing his lawn, firing up the barbeque, waving at the neighbor as she drives her kids to school…while he’s posing as a upstanding dude, a pillar of his community, etcetera…at night he shows his real self. He stalks innocent victims to placate his sadistic sexual urges. He killed an entire family (the Oteros) in order to defile and murder a little girl. He strangled the father, the mother, the little boy. Finally he hanged the little girl from a sewer pipe and masterbated while she slowly choked to death. This was his first “Project” as he called it. He went on to strangle another six women. Meanwhile he’s taunting the police with descriptions of his exploits. If there’s a scale of Bad in the world of Serial Killers, I’d say you can’t get more bad than Dennis Rader.

Donald Trump is nowhere near as bad. He did say he could shoot a man in the middle of 5th Avenue and nobody would care. You don’t believe me? Here’s the quote:

“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” It’s, like, incredible.” Remarked at a campaign stop at Dordt College in Sioux Center, Iowa.

A serial philanderer

Even though Trump could shoot somebody in the middle of 5th avenue, I don’t think he would. I’m not positive about this. I’m merely giving him the benefit of the doubt. Giving the devil his due, that is.

What Trump is however is a serial womanizer.

He likes having women around. Good looking woman. “Hot Women,” he calls them. He likes his women “Hot.” He even referred to his own daughter, Ivanka Trump, as hot. In fact, he once referred to her as “a piece of ass.” He made this comment to Howard Stern.

You might say he has an “abnormal” obsession with his own daughter.

He talkes about her like she’s a sex object all the time…even in the White House when he was Commander In Chief he talked about her in this eh erotic manner:

“Aides said he talked about Ivanka Trump’s breasts, her backside, and what it might be like to have sex with her, remarks that once led [former Chief of Staff] John Kelly to remind the president that Ivanka was his daughter,” this according to Miles Taylor, who served as a Department of Homeland Security chief of staff under Trump, in his book,  Blowback: A Warning to Save Democracy From the Next Trump,

Okay, granted. People love to dig up dirt on Donald Trump.

Still, he’s in court right now, at this moment, because he actually had to pay off this woman to prevent her from spilling her guts about him.

Stormy Daniels.

Oh, and there’s also this woman:

Karen McDougal.

He did pay them off. They spilled their guts anyway.

Maybe Trump didn’t even care.

He’s running for president, by the way. He’s the favorite to win according to the poles.

The Pols are always right.

Donald Trump’s second term

I don’t know what I’m gonna do if Trump becomes President again. I’ll probably do nothing. I mean, I’m an Old Dude. I’m younger than Trump but not a hell of a lot younger. I’m too old to take up arms to protect the state from a Dictatorship. I’ll probably just hang around, like I’m doing now.

A slightly pathetic but garrulous Free Booze Sample Dude.

Maybe I’ll fix up my Retro Van…

and escape to Slab City.

I could live there free and wait out the next four years.

I’ll be 75 by the time Trump leaves office…unless, he never leaves office.

Is Putin worse than Donald Trump?

Good question. Plenty (millions and millions) of Russians think Vladimir Putin is a wonderful human being.

Is Donald Trump a wonderful human being?

Sorry Joan.

I still think he’s bad. Not bad like it’s good. Not Hip Bad. Plain old-fashioned Bad.

Donald Trump is a bad man.

He could shoot a man in the middle of fifth avenue and nobody would care.

He did shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Wait a minute. That was Johnny Cash that shot a man in Reno.

Or maybe it was the dude in his song.

Johnny Cash. There was a man Bad in the Hip sense of the word.

I really dug that guy.