This rug really ties my room together. The Dude said that. I like to repeat it.

This is me as a baby. This is not actually me, but I’ve been told I was a beautiful baby. So this picture will do.

This is me, about seventy years later, as a Geezer. This is actually me.

I like to think I’m getting nowhere slow.

Meanwhile the Holiday Season is upon us

Ring A Ding Ding…

Have an Oreo!

Christmas just keeps coming around

Every year it comes around. What if it didn’t happen? What if one year Christmas didn’t show up? Nobody says anything. Everybody acts as if Christmas doesn’t exist. Christmas? What’s that? What the fuck you talking about? You must be crazy.

You’re not crazy.

You’re dead.

Once you die, there’s no more Christmas. It stops coming around every year. You griped about how shitty your life is. All your life you’ve been griping. Now you’re done. Your pathetic life finally ended.

Christmas is a time to celebrate

You don’t necessarily need to be a Christian to celebrate the holidays. I’m a follower of Guru Nanak and I celebrate Christmas.

Actually, I’m not a follower of Guru Nanak. I just dig his name. Nanak. And I dig his philosophy. That of God being a part of all living things.

The meaning of Getting Nowhere Fast

Idiom (also go nowhere (fast)) to completely fail to achieve something: He was trying to persuade her to let him drive, but he was getting nowhere fast.

Cambridge Dictionary

I’ve been failing to achieve things my entire life. I wrote a pretty good novel. The Log Of The Yardbird. I think it’s a better-than-average novel if you want my opinion. But it took me forty years to write it. To actually write it only took a few months, maybe a year. What I did, I dicked around thinking about it for thirty nine years. Way longer than it takes a man of normal intelligence to build a vast fortune as a bar stool welder. Shit. I coulda written 39 novels by now if I only did it when I started out thinking about it. This is what I mean by Getting Nowhere Slow…

I figure if I live maybe another 400 years I’ll achieve quite a few things

You know what I’m saying? Build a vast fortune. Write a hundred or so novels. Sire a dozen children. Or 103 children like old Rameses the second. You know, Rameses, the big dick Rameses, the second dude, not all the later Rameses. That’s right. There’s nine other Ramaseses. But we only remember the second one because he’s in the bible and also because he Achieved A Hell Of A Lot.

If you’re lost, I’m talking about The Egyptian Pharaoh.

Here’s Rameses 2 played by Yul Brynner in The Ten Commandments.

Here’s the actual Rameses 2 as a mummy.

Originally Ramesses II was buried in the tomb KV7 in the Valley of the Kings,^[72] but because of looting, priests later transferred the body to a holding area, re-wrapped it, and placed it inside the tomb of queen Ahmose Inhapy.^[73] Seventy-two hours later it was again moved, to the tomb of the high priest Pinedjem II. All of this is recorded in hieroglyphics on the linen covering the body of the coffin of Ramesses II.^[74] 

Wikipedia

I know what I would’ve been if I lived in the days of Old Rameses.

You guessed it.

A Tomb Robber.

The achievements of old Rameses 2

The Egyptian scholar Manetho (third century BC) attributed Ramesses a reign of 66 years and 2 months.^[70]By the time of his death, aged about 90 years, Ramesses was suffering from severe dental problems and was plagued by arthritis and hardening of the arteries.^[71] He had made Egypt rich from all the supplies and bounty he had collected from other empires. He had outlived many of his wives and children and left great memorials all over Egypt. Nine more pharaohs took the name Ramesses in his honour. Wikipedia

The dude fought a lot of wars.

A relief of Ramesses II from Memphis showing him capturing enemies: a Nubian, a Libyan and a Syrian, c. 1250 BC. Cairo Museum.

That’s right. He kicked ass left and right. And he liked to advertise this fact on walls and temples and with big-ass statues. He was always building shit to show himself off.

Facade of the Great Temple at Abu Simbel

Abu Simbel has four huge statues of him. Like one wasn’t enough. He built statues and carved pictures of himself everywhere you could shake a stick at along the Nile. But nowadays they’re mostly rock and rubble, and strange profiles in hieroglyphs you can check out on the internet. Nobody but Historians and Tourists and goonies like me give a shit about these pictures.

Color reproduction of the relief depicting Ramesses II storming the Hittite fortress of Dapur

A lot of the pictures are of him kicking ass on the Hittites at the battle of Kadesh.

He didn’t actually win the battle. It was a draw. But in all of the statues and pictures, he is demolishing the Hittites. I mean, not just defeating them. Rubbing them out. Which is total bullshit. Maybe that’s why he made such a big deal of the battle everywhere you look. He had to compensate for maybe not achieving all he really wanted to achieve. We have leaders like Rameses today.

So I guess it’s no big deal being full of shit.

Now old Rameses 2 did have a lot of kids. One hundred and three.

That’s right. Rameses fathered 103 children. I’m not talking step kids or adopted kids. I’m talking biological children. What’s that mean?

That means he had to be humping various women all the time. Some woman or another was always pregnant or giving birth throughout his entire reign. His palaces were like impregnation factories.

That’s quite an achievement.

Sort of.

But now I’m thinking about it, no big deal when you’re let loose in a Haram.

So what’s the point of Achieving?

Egypt once rich and powerful thanks to Rameses is now in the dumper. A slow decline that’s been going on for almost three thousand years. The country’s currently getting nowhere slow. What of Rameses other achievements? None of his kids are living. Or grandkids. Or great grandkids. Or great great great….but I bet there’s lots of Egyptians walking around Cairo today have some of old Rameses’s blood in their veins! What about that? That’s some kind of achievement.

Yeah?

It don’t mean shit. Nobody’s grabbing each other shouting “Thank God I got a little Rameses in me!

Finally there’s all the statues crumbling and carvings fading. What about those? Big Fucking Deal. Tourists on Nile River boat excursions stare at all that shit. What’s it matter? Put a nickel with it and you got a five cent cigar. As for old Rameses himself? He’s still around!

They got his mummy on display. You can go stare at it. Actually I don’t know for certain if you can go stare at it. I’m too lazy to find out. It wouldn’t take much googling to find out. But I’m not gonna. Because I don’t give a shit. The Old Fart took up a lot of space when he was alive. Now he’s taking up a lot of space on my blog. So I’m done with Rameses 2.

I wonder what Donald Trump’s mummy will look like in three thousand years?

Not his Mother! His Mummy.

We oughta Celebrate Christmas

Because why not? We’re all getting nowhere with various degrees of speed. Christmas is all about getting together with people we care about and sharing our love for each other. What’s wrong with that?

I’m not being honest with you. I hate Christmas. I’ve been avoiding Christmas my entire life. The whole idea that you need to buy shit for people pisses me off.

On the other hand, I’m an Old Dude now. I got nowhere slow.

Kind of slow.

Yet now I’m thinking about it, maybe not so slow. It seems like yesterday I was hanging around The City in my cool bachelor pad. Hitting the night clubs with my pals. Plenty of Women passing my way. Not like old Rameses but I did alright. Thirty five years old with the world at my feet.

Before you know it, I’m an old dude.

I’m not complaining, mind you. I’m just saying, I’m getting nowhere slow and that’s the way I want it. For now at least.

I know, I know. I’ll be gone in a zip. That’s the way time works. But what if you could slow it down a little?

If there’s one achievement I know for damned sure is worth bragging about, it’s this: I’ve learned to appreciate the moment.

I’m done with whining. I’m gonna enjoy the moments I have left.

I’m gonna enjoy Christmas for a change.

Because it’s only coming around a few more times.

I’ll close this post with a pop song from the good old days. Back when I was running around The City, having fun, getting nowhere…