Tip O’Neill is famous for saying, “all Politics is local.” He served in Congress forever. After he left congress he made a fortune doing television commercials. You need to be a Boomer to remember this guy. He’s the longest serving Speaker Of The House next to Henry Clay and Sam Rayburn.

Once these guys get in office you can’t get rid of them.

Henry Clay practically croaked in office. Rayburn did croak in office. What did they do in office? They ran political parties. Henry Clay started the Whig party. He did a lot to put off the start of the Civil War, which is how he got the title, the Great Compromiser. Rayburn ran the Democratic Party. He helped pass the first Civil Rights Act. He also helped build Route 66. Okay, so they did shit. But the main thing they did was run Political Parties. Just like Nancy Pelosi and Tip O’Neill.

It’s all about the Political Party. The Political Party is more important than the country. How did we get into this mess? Blame it on Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, two of our founding fathers. They helped start Political Parties…

The reason I know a little about these crusty old farts (especially Henry Clay) is because I studied U.S. History in college. This makes me an expert by no means.

Nor does it help me find a Job.

Looking for work

Okay, so I have this song I can’t get out of my head:

“Well, I’ve been lookin’ real hard
And I’m tryin’ to find a job
But it just keeps gettin’ tougher every day.”

Keep on Rock’n Me Baby, by Steve Miller

I don’t have the whole song in my head. Just the part about finding a job. I haven’t been looking real hard. I haven’t been looking at all. I’ve been dicking around, playing blogger, writing a novel, napping, hanging at the gym, eating at restaurants. Fancy restaurants. My girlfriend likes eating out at fancy restaurants. Well, what do you expect me to do? Sit home with a can of beans? I’m an old fart pushing seventy. I should be retired. I have friends living in their cars. I’m not that bad off…yet. I am approaching penury.

So I need to find a job.

The last thing I’m thinking about is Political Parties.

Finding work as a crossing guard

So I’m hanging at the office. That would be the Starbucks in Mill Valley. Right there in the Strawberry Shopping center. This place is great. Plenty of seats. Five unisex bathrooms. The Baristas know me. I love Starbucks. I mean, you can go in there, sit at a small table all to yourself, and spend the whole day on the internet, free of charge. You don’t even need to buy anything. The Baristas don’t give a shit. They get paid shinola to police the joint. But I always buy a coffee and tip the Barista 100 percent. Why not? It’s like renting an office all day for five bucks.

Anyway, like I’m saying, the last thing on my mind is Politics.

I need to find a job. I have a job. I’m a window and door salesman. But there’s no business. The owner has gone insane and left me with a company car and no business. I’m waiting for the air to clear and maybe they’ll be business down the road. But for now I need to find a job. I’ll take anything…anything but a crossing guard. I can’t work as a crossing guard. I could work as a crossing guard if they paid me a lot. I’d go to work as a crossing guard if they paid me like a hundred bucks an hour.

That would be a pretty good job.

There are no Crossing Guard Jobs

I sitting at my favorite table at Starbucks. Looking for a job. I’m looking on Craigs List. There’s no Crossing Guard Jobs. There’s a ton of Sales Jobs. Scam deals. I’ve done plenty of those. Guy wants to offer me twenty grand a week if I’ll agree to his absolutely unique internet strategy and sign on for a course of study. Well, I think I’ll pass of that one. And all the others too. Maybe I ought to find a job I’m qualified for.

I could teach school. I could use my worthless Master’s Degree in Humanities to teach school. I could be a substitute teacher. Apparently, the districts are hurting for substitute teachers. I could teach rat shit seventh graders.

The problem is, I hate kids.

Especially the Rat Shits.

An encounter with a local

So I’m sitting at my little table at Starbucks, looking for a job, minding my own business. I look over at a table beside me. It was empty but now there’s a man sitting there. Staring at me. He’s about my age. Maybe older. He looks a little like Andrew Jackson.

He’s staring right at me. He’s got his little laptop open but he’s fixed me with his senatorial gaze.

“Are you ready for the Big Change?”

I’m looking at this guy. He looks normal. He’s well groomed. Shit, maybe I’ll respond.

“Are you referring to the Mid-Term Election results? If you are, I’m not interested. I don’t care who wins the house. I used to care but I no longer care. The country is going to hell and there’s nothing we can do about it. Now if you’ll excuse me…”

I’m trying to get back to looking for a job.

“There’s a lot at stake,” he says. “We need to take back power.”

I’m looking at this guy.

“Take back power? From whom?”

“From the Elites.”

“If you’re referring to the Democrats. I don’t give a shit. Maybe you care. Maybe you vote Republican. Whenever I hear somebody like you talk about taking back power from the Elites, I figure he’s a Republican.”

Now he’s staring at me in a strange way. Like he thought I might’ve been a kindred spirit and he’s a little crushed that I didn’t work out for him.

“I’m not a Republican,” he says. “I’m an Independent.”

“An Independent means you’re a Republican trying to hide the fact that you’re a Republican. And that’s okay. You must be a local. Local Republicans often claim to be Independents. Since you insist on sharing with me, I’ll return the favor. I used to be a Liberal Democrat. I’m still a Liberal Democrat but now I tell people I’m a ANARCHIST. That’s a guy who believes in no Government. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to find a job here.”

“There’s going to be a wave,” he says, evenly and with conviction. “A red wave.”

He’s staring at me. But now I’m staring at my laptop. I’m thinking maybe I’ll look for a teaching job. Sit in a room with a pack of rat shits. Work for Beans.

Why?

Because there are no Crossing Guard jobs that pay 100 dollars an hour.