President Trump dialed into “Fox & Friends” on Tuesday morning and revealed his newest and truest motivation for brokering an end to the war in Ukraine: He’s worried he might not get into heaven after he dies. “I want to try and get to heaven, if possible,” he explained. “I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this will be one of the reasons.” New York Times

I’m not making this shit up. The New York Times reported it. I heard it on a couple podcasts. Karoline Leavitt, the lip-sticked Trump Toady, prime time bullshit conveyer, who functions as the White House Press Secretary, confirmed it this morning in response to a reporter’s inquiry:

“I think the president was serious,” she said. “I think the president wants to get to heaven — as I hope we all do in this room as well.”

She said he was serious?!?

That’s right! She confirmed it on Television. Before the entire nation.

She did not elaborate a couple fine points, however. Fine points are not her forte. She’s a happy-days-chirper…glued tighter than a phony Rolex. Allow The Gloomy Boomer to share with you those two relevant fine points:

Number one, who told Trump he’s not doing very well? And number two, who, specifically, told him about the totem pole…how he occupies the bottom of that totem pole?

Was it one of his Toadies? Hardly. None of them would dare tell Trump the truth. The truth being the very plain fact that Trump’s shot of getting into heaven is about a billion to one…that, without a question in my mind, at least, he will most certainly be going straight to hell.

With or without a handbasket…

But who could’ve broke the news to him if it wasn’t one of his toadies?

He only listens to his Toadies.

Okay, then. Who among his circle has the power to peel the scales from his eyes. Tell him the truth and not worry about being shit canned? Who would have the suicidal courage to reveal the obvious?

Only one person among Trumps coterie I can think of. A member with clout as thick as tectonic plates. Who also happens to be the I-COULDN’T-GIVE-A-SHIT-LESS champion of the White House. Yes. The impenetrable Melania. Trump’s third and last wife. The wife who’ll some day in the very near future usher the gaseous scumbag off on that final slide down into an eternal roast…a prime spot where Satan can reach him now and then with a fork jab to the eyeball.

That’s right, Melania.

Here’s how it might have played out

She sat him down and said, Donald, I’m afraid your chances of going to Heaven are not very good at the moment.

“No?”

“No Donald. In fact, I think maybe that you are at the bottom of this, what is it called here, this Totem Pole.”

“A totem pole?”

“The pole we used to dance…it is called a Totem Pole in your country, no?”

“Sometimes.”

“I think perhaps your chances are not very good.”

“What can I do to improve my chances?”

“I can think of only one thing.”

“Tell me! Please tell me! I need to get to Heaven. Once there I’ll have the power to run again.”

“You must broker a Peace deal”

“With the Liberals?”

“No, silly. With the Russians. End the Ukraine war and you will have improved your chances greatly of getting into heaven.”

You mean…convince my bondage-sex dominator…Vladimir…convince Vladimir to stop bombing the Ukrainians?”

“Yes. And while you’re at it, convince him to return all the innocent children he stole.”

“OMG! I’d rather make peace with the Democrats.”

“You must do it. Do it or you’ll surely burn in Hell for all eternity…”

OMG…where’s Jared? He’ll know how to get me into Heaven. He made Epstein disappear, didn’t he?”

Now I’m thinking about it, maybe Melania was not the source

Why do I suddenly think this?

Because Melania couldn’t give a shit less.

I doubt Melania cares if Donald gets into Heaven or not. Why? Because she don’t give a shit about Donald Trump. She hates Donald Trump. Everybody sez so. Here’s old Scaramuchi talking about it with Michael Wolff…

Bottom line, to really know Donald Trump is to really hate him.

Nobody close to Trump cares if he get’s into Heaven.

Least of all Melania Trump.

So who told him?

Who clued Trump that he aint getting into Heaven? That his chances are nil. Who explained to him about the totem pole? How he’s at the bottom of the Pole. Who would he listen to in the first place? And who in the second place would he respect enough to believe?

That’s right.

Vladimir told him.

During that meeting in Alaska. Putin said to him, “you and me, we are in the same boat, Donald. We have done bad things. Awful things. You especially have done bad things. Things with 14 year old girls and even younger. Epstein shared with me some of those unspeakable things. Me, I have murdered in cold blood my friends and enemies. I have killed one million of my loyal soldiers. But never have I violated a 12 year old girl as you have done. I have photographs to prove it, as you know. So let us not speak of Peace Deals and Cease Fires. Better for you to find some way to get into Heaven…as I have done.”

“That’s right, Donald. They are all on board. They have voted me in. My position is secured. I have beaten the Devil. As for you? Good Luck!”

“Wait a minute! Tell me please! What can I do to beat the Devil?”

“Perhaps learn to play the fiddle.”