Kona Dave on the P.G.A. tour

The Man Is Gone

The celebrated world traveler and International Operative Kona Dave has apparently vanished.

This is not unusual. The Man is always coming from somewhere and on his way to somewhere else. Frequenting exotic and often dangerous regions. Renowned for his ability to appear as a local, Dave is often referred to as a man of a thousand faces.

Dave as a member of the Kalid Mobi Tribe of the Sahara Desert

Dave invisible among a flock of wild turkeys near Vladimir Putin’s heart shaped swimming pool.

Kona Dave appearing as Rock Star Alice Cooper, a crony and frequent body double

I was recently in contact with the man

I don’t move in Dave’s circle. He’s hanging with the in crowd.

Kona Dave standing-in for former president Barack Obama

Dave doesn’t move in my circle, either.

I don’t have a circle.

Unless you figure the Starbucks circle, which is more like a rectangle.

This according to the lobotomy dude.

No, I rarely see Kona Dave in person.

Actually, I’ve never see him in person.

He makes contact through texts. Here’s one he sent me from the Cascade range. I don’t know where the Cascade range is, exactly. I think it’s in Washington.

How do I know he’s vanished?

Well…his latest Text included instructions. It said simply:

STAND BY FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS!

He led me to believe these critical instructions would involve my participation in thwarting the impending destruction of the Earth by a massive meteor hurtling from deep space on a collision course with our planet.

He needs my help.

I know, I know, I’m a small cog in a very large wheel. But apparently my miniscule self has a role to play in this desperate gamble Kona Dave masterminded involving destruction of the meteor before it obliterates all life on our planet…leaving food stamp recipients in the lurch, myself included.

A former meteor Kona Dave managed to explode minutes before a cataclysmic impact with Mother Earth

So you can imagine how eager I am to help in any way I can.

I mean, I’d get a job washing dishes at a Mexican Restaurant if that’s what he needs.

I don’t know how a job washing dishes at a Mexican Restaurant or anywhere else for that matter would contribute to the thwarting of a massive meteor hurtling toward the Earth. But it could. Kona Dave would know. He’s got his fingers on the controls…kind of.

Sometimes he even has the controls on his fingers.

So I’m awaiting further instructions

But where is he?

I need to hear from him.

If nothing else, to learn of his fate.

I’ve been asking around.

I’ve reached out to certain people who might know where Kona Dave is or what became of him.

Like this Person.

Stewart Rhodes is not sharing what he knows.

Sharing what he knows earned him 18 years in prison.

He did, however, mutter a name.

“Who?” I asked.

“You heard me…”

It sounded like,

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

Gingrich is hard to reach.

I was directed through clandestine missives to a Madam X.

“He promised me dinner at a nice restaurant,” Madam X complained.

“Newt?”

“And Dave! Both of them stood me up!”

“Did Dave mention the meteor hurtling toward the Earth?”

“A Meteor! It’s just like that man to make up excuses! He owes me a fancy dinner!”

I’m back at my boat trying to think

A drink helps…a stiff drink

Later, at the Drake Bar.

Nobody at the Drake knows of Kona Dave’s whereabouts.

Even though the Drake Bar is named after a famous World Traveler.

“We just drink here,” Patrons explained.

Over a third Vodka Martini with jumbo olives…I’m trying to think what might have become of the celebrated Bon Vivant.

Possible scenarios

The highly toxic and viral zombie seaweed invading the coast of Miami may have consumed Kona Dave.

Dave, consumed by a zombie seaweed blob…

Or could be, he was beaten to death by Bunny Thugs.

Or stomped to death by this Lurching Figure.

Hit Man Cowboy Andy doing the Watusi.

Well, you take a man of Kona Dave’s reputation, anything is possible.

Only the big dude upstairs knows for sure.

And he aint talking.

Unless it’s with major upheavals.

Like the current active volcano erupting on the big island of Hawaii.

This in fact may be what became of Kona Dave.

The Man owns a big chunk of the Big Island.

Could be, He fell into his own volcano!

Dave with a Lava Flow in the background.

I’m having a 5th Martini

Or is it the forth? I’m not counting. I’ll call it the fifth…

I’m imagining bizarre possibilities.

Like Time Travel.

I mean, you take a Globetrotting Dude like Kona Dave. He travels so much and so extensively that it’s not beyond the realm of possibility he’s discovered how to shift around in TIME.

Which would be a convenient trick for avoiding that meteor impacting the Earth.

And dodging the dinner date with Madam X.

But he needs to watch were he lands.