That’s all he wrote?

I’m thinking maybe it’s not a bad Idea to look over the ten commandments and see which one’s we might shit can. How long’s it been since they were written? Nobody knows for sure. Ball park is three thousand years. That’s long enough without a revision. I’m betting the Hindu Vedas could use a revision, too. Or how about the Koran? Shit. Now we got chatbot we could probably chuck the lot. I’m not leaving it up to A.I. to decide. Before long we’ll be wired for deep cell batteries and all this thinking will be moot. Until then, I’m thinking fast on my feet here…until I kick back for a nap. Anyway, I’ll start with the Hebrew rules and move to the Vedas when I get a surge of ambition. I’m thinking I won’t mess with the Koran because….well, they got some badasses in that crew might behead me if I say anything blasphemous…

1

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

Exodus 20:3

This one we need to chuck right off the bat. I mean, I got my own personal deity and I’m not giving him up for some old white bearded dude likes to wipe out living beings like we’re dog shit on his sandal.

Those were nice little towns. Way more fun than Burning Man or Vegas. And GOD just wipes everybody out like it’s no big deal.

I’m not about to get wiped out by some Mean Old Dude in the sky.

I’d rather go with a little guy I can trust.

Like the Ahrum Fot. The cockroach god.

He’s only playing dead

See my novel for details on this Little Pecker.

2

“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”

Exodus 20:4

Here’s another one needs to be tossed out completely. First off, what’s wrong with a graven image? All you’re doing is expressing your creativity. That’s life enhancing, right? I mean, sure, certain people might be taking the practice too far…

Jeffry Dahmer’s bone throne. Made from the skulls of his victims. He got the idea from watching a Star Wars movie.

Yeah…there needs to be limits.

But who’s to say you can’t design a really terrific Halloween costume…or write a novel or a nasty poem…or build a terrific tree house and live in it with your hamster?

Back when I was a kid we had this saying, “You do your thing, I’ll do my thing, and as long as your not hurting anybody…” Shit I forget the rest of it.

But you get my drift.

3

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”

Exodus 20:7

God Damn! This one needs to go. I mean, Jesus Christ! This fucking commandment is like giving people the death penalty for traffic tickets. You gotta let off steam somehow. What am I supposed to say when I get pissed? Darn it? Shucks? Judas Priest aint bad. But Jesus fucking Christ! Shit. Motherfucker’s taking away my swear words.

Say bye bye to Rap Music and Stand Up Comedy.

4

“Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.”

Exodus 20:8–10

My mother used to drag us around to the churches. All those people dressed up in their finest cloths, smiling their creepy smiles. Hiding all their nasty shit. Used to give me nightmares. And sitting there while poor old Jesus stares down at us from the wall. They got him nailed to a cross. Poor dude thought he had it figured out and this is where he ends up…

But wait a minute. He gets resurrected. After three days he rises from the dead. What kind of Dude rises from the dead? Zombies. Okay, I might could buy that. It could happen. Better chance of that happening than all that immaculate conception bullshit. Listen. Don’t get me wrong. I hold Jesus in high regard. It’s the people that propped him up I got a problem with. The same people as the ones sitting in the pews. Dressed in their fancy cloths. Smiling their creepy smiles…

Forget Church.

5

“Honour thy father and thy mother.”

Exodus 20:12

This one needs revision. I’d say honor thy Father and Mother unless they ignore you. Or they’re too stupid to understand what you’re going through. Or they’re dragging you to some suck ass church. Or they’re screaming at you cuz you flunked Math. Or they love you less than your sister or brother. Or they beat you and leave you locked up in the cellar or chained to the wall of your fetid bedroom. Or they molest you. Or they’re training you to be a shoplifter or pick-pocket. Or what else? I frankly think you need to pass a test before they let you be a parent.

Now I’m thinking about it. Most parents suck.

6

“Thou shalt not kill.”

Exodus 20:13

This one’s good. I like this one. I’d ad a caveat:

“Thou shalt not kill…unless it’s a Zombie.

Feel free to shoot them in the head.

They’ll eat your brain.

7

“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Exodus 20:14

This is a good one. You don’t want to cheat on your spouse. I never cheated on any of my spouses. I just hung around until I got dumped. Fact is, I even learned to like getting dumped. You dump them you’re stuck with the guilt. Better to ignore you’re spouse until she dumps you out of desperation. But like I say, it takes getting used to. This kid has a lot to learn:

My GF of 4 years split with me this week. I am 24 and she is 22. I am absolutely distraught and I genuinely feel suicidal. I spent the best four years of my life with this girl she is my morning,noon and night. I would have loved to spend the rest of my life with her. I spend a lot of the time crying and I haven’t eaten for 4 days, not a bean. The worst thing is all my close friends are on holiday. All the joint mates we had are inapproachable as they knew her first. I have lost absolutely everything in my life and I can’t cope. Will I ever get over this?

Jonny (UK)

Of course you will.

Unless you kill yourself. But don’t. We need your help in the coming war with the Zombies.

As for the women who dumped me. They became the kittens of powerful men. And this somehow made them happy. Until they were discarded like ding dong wrappers.

The Powerful J.R. Ewing

Monogamy doesn’t work real well for humans. So I don’t think we ought to have a rule against it. Better to have a rule that’s easier to follow. Like the rule that says:

“Take all you want but eat all you take!”

Replace Adultery with this new rule..

Call it the Smorgasbord commandment.

8

“Thou shalt not steal.”

Exodus 20:15

This one’s pretty obvious. You don’t steal other people’s shit. People will look down on you. You’ll lose respect. Nobody will come around and you’ll be shunned by society. Like these guys:

Butch Cassedy and the Wild Bunch

Wait a minute. Everybody loved these guys.

Maybe not everybody.

Anyway. It’s a pretty good rule.

Might keep this one.

9

“Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”

Exodus 20:16

This one is about honesty. You want to always tell the truth. If a female friend is ugly or say she’s got a wart on her nose you want to say, “You know what? That’s a real ugly wart on your nose. Your nose is way too large as it is. The wart is like maybe the ugliest thing I ever saw.” Or maybe she comes to you and says, ”What do you think of this dress?” You want to tell her the truth. “You’re ass is way to large to be wearing that dress. You need to visit the big and tall store. And while you’re at it, have that wart removed.”

You don’t want to be talking shit behind her back, either.

This goes without saying.

Say for instance you’re with one of her girlfriends and you guy’s are talking and somebody mentions the girl with the big ass. You want to keep your mouth shut about the dress and how she actually bought the thing and has the stupidity to wear it. And especially the wart on her nose.

This is an easy commandment to keep. I frankly don’t even know why they make it a commandment.

Nobody talks shit about other people.

It’s so rare it’s barely worth mentioning.

10

“Thou shalt not covet.”

Exodus 20:17

This is the one where you’re jealous of other people’s shit. Like they got a great new car and you don’t. Or they bought a house and you’re living in your car. Or they made it in life while you’re a loser…

I don’t worry too much about this one because I’m a minimalist.

I think people who amass wealth and gain satisfaction from their possessions are basically idiots.

They’re too stupid to know you can’t take it with you!

I mean that is lunacy.

So why should I covet a pack of jarheads?

Yet I understand there’s a lot of you out there. A lot of you idiots out there busting your ass to amass a lot of shit. Especially here in the good old U.S.A. where owning a lot of shit is the main objective and pretty much the only religion–unless you figure in all those people going to church every Sunday, dressed in their finest cloths, smiling their creepy smiles.

For those of you coveting your friends and neighbor’s shit. Or shit you see on the tube you want or can’t have. I would suggest you join in with guys like these:

They’re not coveting anybody’s shit.

They’re stealing it!

Wait a minute.

If you join these guys you’d breaking commandment number 8.

I’ll need to think this through.

Maybe later….